A Lost Guy Named Damon
by Nyah-Cullen
Summary: Series of One Shots. Delena moments. All Damon's POV. 2x05: Damon thoughts about what happened during season 2. Damon's pov during some episodes of season 1. Other may be written ! Read and review, please!
1. 1x13 No Hesitation

**First, I must apologize for my poor english... I'm French but I wanna live in the USA. I won't tell you all my life so that's enough ^^ I hope it's not as bad as I'm thinking it is ^^ Please, tell me if you have remarks to do ;) I'm totally ready to hear I made a lot of mistakes ^^ **

**Enjoy :)**

**Damon's point of view. **

**Disclaimer : I own nothing ! It all belongs to LJ Smith, CW, etc... :)**

**OOO**

I was holding her. She was afraid of _me_. Stefan was staring at us, with my book in his hands. Her body was warm against my cold one, it was almost nice. Almost. She was just too sweet, hoping she could fight me. I wanted to laugh, this pain in Stefan's eyes... Just too cool. He couldn't let me bring her back, right ? He didn't have to ! I'd do it, whatever they said. I was pretty close to be reunited with Katherine, again and forever.

Aargh ! I trusted them... I trusted her. She had me fooled like a kid... But now, she had my blood in her system, I was the predator. Stefan had to give me this book before I made her sweet heart stopped beating.

- Give me the book, Stefan. Or I'm snapping her neck. And you and I, we'll have vampire girlfriends.

He was so cute, my little brother in love with his human... He was gonna pay. He made me thought I could trust him but I should have known my brother was untrustworthy.

- Let her go first.

As if I was going to let go my only chance to get Katherine back. Was he that stupid ? Indeed, it looked like that.

- The book.

- I'm not gonna give this to you until she's standing next to me.

He wasn't gonna give it, I read it in his eyes... I told him, I thought he was about to cry, poor Stefan. I glanced Elena, her little weak body in my strong vampire arms. She was hot. He was hesitating, I was too. What if he didn't give it to me ? What if he chose to protect Mystic Falls from the vampires ? What would I do ? Time passing, I wasn't even sure I would kill her. She hadn't fooled on purpose, it was sure, Stefan manipulated her like he always did to hurt me. She didn't deserve to die, I wanted her to be my Princess of Dark, but not this way.

I glanced the book, Katherine... She'd been waiting for so long... For me to save her... I couldn't just abandon her. But I couldn't kill Elena, it was against my nature, against who I was, Damon Salvatore.

Stefan was such a kid, unable to take the right decision before people he loved got hurt... If I were in his shoes, it would have taken me only a few seconds to make a choice : Elena, at all costs. He had to give the book to me, or he might see I wasn't as evil as I expected.

- The problem is I don't trust you'd give it back.

And then he answered. Elena's body relaxed a bit, she heard what she wanted, what she needed. I could almost hear her thoughts : she was gonna be in Stefan's arms in a split of seconds, away from the monster, away from _me_.

He put the book on floor, next to me. My head turned automatically to Elena who was staring at me, still afraid. I held her tight and kissed her hair, she didn't even notice, drown in Stefan's gaze. Then I released her and she ran into his arms.

She gave me that look, « Stay away from me ! You're monster, I hate you ! ». It hurt. But I had the book, and Katherine would be back. It hurt more than I would have expected... Never mind ! They were gone, I was alone and my soulmate was about to get her freedom. Those asshole, they captured her like an animal... They were all dead, lucky guys! Otherwise, you'd have suffered, a lot. I watched the fire burning, it reminded me of their torches. Their damned torches. And her eyes. The fire of hatred burnt in her eyes, in her whole body while another one was burning in me... Desire ? That thought had been haunting me for a while... Now I could put a name on it. Desire.

But... What was I saying ? Me and Elena Gilbert, Stefan's new toy ? What a joke ! When Katherine 's back, I would tell her the whole story and she would laugh til we'd reached the bottom of eternity !

**OOO**

**So, was it that bad ? :S**

**Please review and give me your opinion ! It's short, I know it too ^^ I'll write another one about a few scenes I liked in 1x14 ( When they talk in the house and when she hugs him ) and 1x15 ( Button scene ^^ ), all in Damon's point of view. **

**XOXO**

Nyah-Cullen


	2. 1x14 Confusion

**I did it ! Another one ^^ I hope you'll like even if there must be ( a lot of ) mistakes !**

**_Team ked_ : Thank you ;) You're courageous to learn french, it's so hard !**

**_iamnotavampire2_ : Thank you ! :)**

**_sneakyvid_ : Thank very much ! Here is another fic, I hope you'll enjoy it as much as the other ;)**

**_Maiqu_ : Thanks :)**

**Damon's POV**

**Nothing belongs to me :)**

**Enjoy ;)**

**OOO**

Katherine... Was... _Not_... In the tomb. Those words. Horrible. Frightening. Scary. They were so... Unbearable to me. Katherine wasn't in the tomb. They were all there, but not her. I would have killed them, ripped them apart if it had brought her back to me. But no, there was no chance. She might have been somewhere... Or nowhere. She could there, under my feet, ashes of my soul mate. My soul mate... The word I couldn't pronounce anymore. About Katherine. It's not like I told everybody I met before "I have a soul mate... Her name is Katherine !" No, no way, I wasn't like that. But I mean, when I talked to Stefan or to Elena, I couldn't say she was my soul mate. But that's not the subject...

What would I do, now ? She was my everything, the strength that kept me walking everyday in order to find her and to get her back... Disappointment ? Perhaps. Pain ? Heartbroken ? Sure. I was totally lost... I couldn't see any way out, except death. Without Katherine, the hope to find her, what was I ? Nothing at all, I thought.

I remember when I was in there... The angst was overwhelming me. Everywhere I looked, there were vampires, old ones. But she wasn't there. Stefan was trying to make me follow him, I couldn't give up. But then I saw her face. Katherine's face. And in my dead heart jumped. It wasn't Katherine, not her scent, not her way of moving... Not her. She was everything else. And _that_ made it jump. Elena came into the seal to get us out of it. Just for Stefan ? I wasn't sure... There was something in her eyes when she begged me to come out... It wasn't only for Stefan... She looked like her, so much that it choked me, it hurt me. When I saw her there... Oh God. I couldn't remember what went through my brain but it was like a shooting star in a summer night.

I was there, standing in the woods, trying to find an answer. Those trees, the darkness of the night, I was staring at them. Not like it was interesting, it just kept my eyes busy. My brain was all weird, multiple thoughts were melting, their faces. Katherine and Elena. Their smiles. So similar and so different in several ways. Katherine's one was... eerie. Elena's one was just perfect ? No. Stefan, my little brother in his world full of rainbows, pink ribbons and unicorns would have said so. I wasn't him. My own world was full of darkness, fury, angst, hatred and... Something else. Something bright. I couldn't say what...

Elena dancing with Stefan. Katherine smiling to Stefan. Elena in my arms, Elena in my car, Elena begging a vampire not to kill me... Katherine wouldn't have done such a thing. Katherine didn't beg anyone, she gave you a look which meant "You do it. Now." but she didn't ask. Elena saved my life, I saved hers. That's not the same. I was a vampire, it was pretty easy to me. She was just a human, she begged a vampire who could have killed her because she was just a bug to him, disturbing him. I just had to get her out of the car. She risked her life. For _me_. Katherine... I gave all I had to get her back. I staked Lexi, Stefan's best friend. Okay, Stefan was upset and _that_ was nice. But she was nice too, in a way. I almost killed Elena. I could have killed all Mystic Falls to find her. And where was she ? Somewhere else, happy ? She escaped... Perhaps. Or she had been reduced to ashes... So I had to avenge her. Aaargh. My mind was so... So... So clouded. She clouded it when I met her. Before her I had two things in mind : bloodlust and Katherine. She got in – I didn't know how, I was pretty sure I'd locked the door and thrown the key away – and messed all up !

I heard footsteps coming to me. Her. Shit. She looked at me in a different way than usual. It was... Painful. She was approaching, slowly, getting closer and closer. I could see each picture of her movement. Then she opened her arms and held me. I was kinda shocked. But her face reminded me of Katherine. She wasn't in the tomb... She wasn't. I was alone... Forever. She whispered "I'm sorry." but I didn't respond. I thought nothing could go out of my mouth except shouts. Stefan was staring at us, what did I see in his eyes ? Jealousy ? Compassion ? I didn't want to know in fact. Elena was holding me tight, as much as her weak arms could. She'd put her head on my shoulder. It was nice, but I still had such a hole inside my chest. I missed Katherine, I'd always been missing her and there I was close to be with her... She wasn't in there.

Elena "released" me. I hadn't had the strength to keep her even if that was what I wanted the most. Keeping her in my arms. Her body was so hot, it made me feel alive. She was like a cup of chocolate after a hard day's work in a cold weather. I needed her. More than Katherine. And _that_ made me so confused. _That_ hurt my ego. A part of me, I didn't how big it was, wanted Elena. Not only for her blood, but also and mostly for the taste of her lips.

- Damon ? I bring them back home. I meet at our house.

I nodded and they went away. I was alone. Alone with all my confusion, with all my thoughts. Alone with her scent, still in the air, still on me.

**OOO**

**It was a bit short, but I'm not confident enough to write more x) **

**Please tell me what you think about it ! ;)**

**Nyah-Cullen**


	3. 1x15 Button

**You wanted it, you have it ^^ A new fic. I'm working on another one, about 1x16, what was in Damon's mind the whole time. But now, it's the button scene ! I loved it and I wished Stefan never got in ! Maybe they would have kissed... Or more ! Who knew with Damon Salvatore ? **

**And I have a question for you guys, have you seen 1x17 stills ?! Oh my God... There's one, Damon and Elena under the rain, _alone_ in the woods. She looks a bit frightened but... And there are other stills from other episodes which are really amazing : Damon and Elena dancing ( I could swear they are about to kiss... Lol ) and Damon giving a beautiful blood red rose to Elena. I'm dying to see those episodes... More and more Delena, just amazing ! :D I promise you when I saw the episode and if it's a real Delena moment ( Maybe I'm wrong ! ), and I guess so, I'll write about it if you want me to ;)**

**So, let's go back to this fic. Damon's POV. It starts just before Elena comes in the room and calls for Stefan. **

**Thank you everybody who reviewed _Confusion_ and _No Hesitation_ ! It helps me writing and makes me hurry to write because I know I'm read and people like what I do. Thank you very very much !**

**Enjoy ;)**

**OOO**

Drunk ? No way. Damon Salvatore couldn't be drunk. I'm Damon Salvatore, therefore... I wasn't drunk. But the way I moved showed the exact opposite. Ugh... There was somebody home, and that wasn't definitely my brother. Great. Some food ?

- Stefan ?

Nope. No refreshing drink, just Elena. Stefan's little hottie. Stefan's little bitch who seemed to love to mess up with my mind all the time with her brown eyes.

- Better... Me.

Girls usually love bad boys, a bit self-centered. I wasn't just a bit. I was totally self-centered but my abs... In fact my whole body convinced them to trust me, to let go in my arms. But it looked like Elena Gilbert wasn't a casual girl.

Or she was. Wasn't she looking at my abs, few seconds ago ? Aha. Caught in action, Ms Gilbert. I was so _sure_ she couldn't resist me... I'm invincible.

- You look... uhm...

- Dashing. Gorgeous. Irresis-sistible.

- Wrecked... You look wrecked.

_Wrecked_ ? Bitch. I wasn't wrecked. Maybe I drank some glasses... Of very good whine and blood and... Who cares ? I'm Damon Salvatore, I was never wrecked. Nothing could make me wrecked, no girls, no alcohol, no blood, _nothing_ on earth ! She'd better learn it.

- No reason why. Do you know that I'm one of Mystic Falls' most eligible bachelors ?

Of course she knew, who could have ignored that fact, frankly ? Nobody in town. Even her eyes betrayed her secret.

- Huh.

Beautiful liar. You were trying to drive me crazy, weren't you ? I could read in you as in an open book. I turned away from her, I was half-naked, she could at least see my pretty back, lucky girl, how many girls would have wanted to be with me, right here right now ? And there she was, almost ignoring me.

- Yup.

- How are you doing ?

Oh sweet Elena cared about me ! What a scoop. I'd better call Stefan, he wouldn't have liked that and his face would be so entertaining !

- Never better. Yeah.

She didn't say anything else, but she didn't go away. She wanted something... Me ? Aha. I'd love to see her ask. Totally.

- What can I do for you? I'm barrel of favors today, it's my newfound purpose. How can I help people ?

- I'm just… meeting Stefan, we're going to the fund raiser.

Stefan... Always Stefan. Couldn't she just ask "Hey Damon, why don't you come with me somewhere ? Just hanging out." ? No, she never did and she wouldn't. I was just the sexy bad boys, not the man – vampire – of her life. Unlike this guy, my brother, Stefan. Argh. What was the problem with those buttons ? Why did everything try to piss me off today ?

- Help a guy out, will you? I can't... Get this..

She sighed and came to me. Uhm.. Closer girl, come closer to the beast... In fact, I loved those buttons, they made her come _closer._ I watched her face becoming happier, she almost smiled. Girls couldn't resist me and my body.

- So, I found out who my birth mother is.

- Ugh, who cares ? She left you, she sucks !

What kind of person could leave behind such a girl ? Even if I was wrong - _I_ didn't make her smile -, that woman, her mother, she was pissing me off. I didn't know her, or else I would have remembered, but I already hated her. Leaving such a... Such a... Such an angel. Yeah, Elena was an angel, and I was sure my little brother didn't see it. I was blind. She wasn't just the girl you called "an angel" because she was sweet with a pretty smile, no. Elena wasn't like that, she was _more._

She was staring at me now, my face. Then her eyes focused on my mouth, I was sure she was looking at my mouth. Only a few inches separated us, just a move and our lips would collide with each other. But he was here, I felt his presence. I could have kissed her... I didn't want to fight with Stefan, he would lose, so would I. If I hurt Stefan, I would hurt her too and lose her. The worst part.

- Stefan ! Here you are.

Here my little bro was. Just behind me. She smiled and went to him. They didn't even kiss. Why ? If I had such a girl only for myself, I would kiss her all the time... I went away, I had nothing to do with them. Except, maybe, destroy their happy couple life. Stefan would suffer, a lot. That would be very nice to see the pain in his eyes when Elena would kiss me back with so much passion that it would have overwhelmed any other man, but not Damon Salvatore.

**OOO**

**I hope you liked it ;) Review to tell me, please !**

**When I was writing it, I thought about a song. Do you remember _Buttons_ by The Pussycat Dolls ? It's the button scene ;)**

**See you soon for a new fic :)**

**Nyah-Cullen**


	4. 1x16 Dear Liar

**This is a new one shot I had in mind. It takes place after 1x16 but before 1x17, with all the problems, Stefan kidnapped, etc. Damon is in his room, Stefan is... I don't know and I don't care in fact ! x) So Damon is in his room and he's thinking about what he did during the episode, with Kelly, what happened with Pearl, etc. And of course, it's a Delena fic, connected to the other I wrote ;)**

**Damon's POV**

**Enjoy ;)**

**OOO**

What were they doing here ? I was alone with that gorgeous ? No, not gorgeous, let's say she was sexy, not my type but here when I needed someone. And then, they arrived ! They broke everything, I was about to have some fun with a woman and no ! Kelly was here for me, I was here for her, we needed each other to forget something or somebody. I didn't regret anything, Stefan shouldn't have brought them there, he must have felt I was in there. Asshole. He must have done it to make them hate me, to make _her_ hate me. She stared at me with that look. You're disgusted, right ? Great ! Amazing ! The beast is disgusting. S he hated me because I turned her birth mother, how would I have known who she was ?! How would I have known that she had such a daughter ?! No, never I wouldn't apologize, why would I ? She begged me to do that, she wanted it. I had been nice, for once, I did what somebody wanted from me and then, that bitch she... Argh. Fuck off. Run into your poor Stefan's arm, you know, the weakest brother.

Talking about weakness, how would I deal with Pearl and Anna ? Stefan knew, now, I told him. Pearl was so much stronger than us, even united. We had to help her out, or she would stake us.

Oh my little bro... With his dear liar. She must be sleeping in her bed, happy, worry less and smiling because she was dreaming of him... It sucked. They were always after him, the fallen angel. He seemed protective, so perfect, like a light in the dark... But here I was. Elena knew it, inside, she wasn't made for a second choice, she was born to be the strongest, to be loved more than anybody had ever been loved. She was made for _me._

I got up. I screamed and took my head in my hands. _Get out, get out, GET OUT OF MY MIND !_ She was worst than Katherine to me. She would kill me. She was like a fire inside of my body, devouring everything, reducing to ashes.

I thought about going out and hunting, but she wouldn't approve... Since when did I care ? Alright, I cared, more and more everyday and alcohol didn't make my brain less confused. Bitch. I hated her as much as I... As I what ? _Loved her ?_ No. I couldn't love such a bitch.

There were some paper and pencils on my old desk. I knew what she would have done. She would have written, like she always did. I could try... I could write her something, maybe the angst would pass away... Maybe I would feel better.

_Dear Liar, _

_I hate you because you're so blind ! How could you stay with my bro ? He's such... Such... I don't know. He's too kind for you. You're not Katherine, and even if you're an angel, peace is not what you want inside. I can read it in your eyes when we're together. You want me. You want danger. He's everything a girl wants, kind, cute and all that stuff. But he's not what you want. You want and need passion. Screaming, fighting, kissing in the rain after a fight. You want lips violently crashed against each other. You wanna get wild. He will never be wild, he's too kind... But I'm not him. Join me in the dark and you'll feel real passion, wildness, everything you want, everything you need is here, with me. _

_D._

I read again and again what I just wrote. It was that. She wanted wildness, I was pretty sure. I didn't even know how but I got downstairs, wearing my jacket, the letter in my left hand. What if I gave it to her ? Not a very good idea. Stefan would kill me, and she would laugh at me. I hated hesitation. Stefan was out, maybe feeding on some animals. Childish. He needed human blood to be strong enough to deal with Pearl & co.

Suddenly I realized the fire when we burnt the vampire was still burning in the fireplace. Flames, orange, yellow and red flames. Like Hell. Like my future. I crumpled the letter and threw it in the fire. I watched my confession burn. I watched it become ashes. I could have given it to her. She could have figured out _I _was the right guy for her. Whereas I chose to let go. I wouldn't tell her anything, she would come to me because one day Stefan would bore her and I would be there, she would know it. I would do my best to make that moment come faster. I swore it.

**OOO**

**Okay, I must admit I didn't talk about the episode a lot ! But we didn't see enough Damon, I think. Don't you think Elena is kind of blind ? If I were here, I would choose Damon. He's so... Amazing. But I'm in real world ^^ **

**What did you think ? I'm not very proud of that fanfic. I don't really like it... I don't know why x) I preferred last ones... And what about you ? **

**I won't post for a few days - I'll be in Italy :D - even if tonight's episode is Delena. Really really Delena. The kind of Delena which make me open OpenOffice without even noticing and my fingers are writing all alone ! Lol**

**See you guys ! ;)**

**Nyah-Cullen **


	5. 1x19 Electricity Between Us

**_Miss Mystic Falls _was just a perfect episode... Don't you think? Delena moments were... Amazing ! When they danced on Within Temptation's song, I was laughing of joy ! I think she finally realized there are more than just "something" between them. Not love, not yet. She doesn't love him yet but in a few episodes, if it carries on this way... You see what I mean, right ? ;)**

**I wanna thank you all for reviewing my fics ! ;) You make me carry on.**

**This one-shot takes place just after the episode, when they are in the dark. Damon's POV and as usual, all belongs to LJ Smith and CW :)**

**Enjoy ;)**

* * *

Was I the only one who felt something between us, today ? I was still feeling some electricity, it was just... As it had never been before. With anybody. Even Katherine. She was sitting in front of me. I could read on her face she was sad and worried. I hated that.

She would spend all night because she cared about Stefan. I cared too, but in a different way. I didn't want him to act stupidly, we would be discovered and... It wouldn't be such a good thing.

She shivered. It was a cold night and apparently, she was cold. I took off my jacket and gave it to her. She stared at me a few seconds that felt like eternity to me and then grabbed it. She looked more delicate in my over sized jacket. She was tired and worried... She needed some rest and in that dark and humid corridor, she wouldn't get it.

- Elena, are you sure you don't want to go upstairs to get some sleep ? I'll stay here if you want.

- I'm okay, Damon. No need to.

But she sounded tired. Her eyes closed sometimes, as if she was going to sleep. And then it was done. I could hear her regulate breath. Tomorrow, her back would ache. I gently took her in my arms. Her skin was soft like a feather, she didn't weight anything to me and... She looked like an angel, a sleeping angel in my too strong arms. I laid her down on my couch and put a blanket on her, she wouldn't be cold that way.

Then I got back downstairs, she would hate me if I didn't wake her up if Stefan got back to consciousness. I felt tired myself, but not enough to fall asleep, I could spend the whole night awake for her.

I thought about what happened that afternoon... What if we had been alone ? What if none of us had worried about Stefan ? Maybe we would have... We would have... Kissed ? She had the most perfect lips I had ever seen, the most kissable too. And she was in my arms. And she smiled. And... I didn't think she would have wanted to kiss me. Why would she ? She loved Stefan and I couldn't figure out why. He was weak, unable to control himself, he could hurt her – but I would _never_ allow that.

The touch of her skin, her smell, the color of eyes, her smile, her body moves... Everything showed it wasn't only a dance that afternoon. It must have been something else... And when she danced in my arms, I thought I was back in the 1860's. I thought I was a human born in a great family who could marry every girl he wanted in Mystic Falls. But the sound of her heart beating fast... That kind of human could hear that much. I got back to the reality. I was Stefan's brother, there to help. _Only_ to help.

But what about that electricity, that feeling when we touched, the tension between our hands when they were so close but so unreachable... Was it all fake ? Was it nothing at all ? I couldn't believe so. She meant so much and when I held her hand to lead her to the dance floor... I thought my dead heart would have jumped in my chest and I could swear her heart beat faster.

Her gaze didn't want to meet mine, but she couldn't help it : it was like I had compelled her and vice versa. I was fascinating by her, as I had always been in fact. Her blue dress fitted perfectly her flawless body, she was like an Ancient Greek goddess. Even more beautiful. Even more attractive and desirable.

- Damon ?

It was only a whisper. Her voice, she was asking for me. I stood up, ready to help. She looked drowsy, about to fall in the stairs.

- Elena ? What's going on ? Why aren't you sleeping in my room ?

- I... I don't like to sleep away from... From Stefan in this house.

She hesitated on the last five words. Maybe she wanted to say "somebody" or... "you" ? Stop dreaming, Damon, that wouldn't happen. Her mind might have been clouded up by tiredness and she couldn't think and speak clearly.

- It's not very comfortable here. If you need company, I can...

I didn't want to say more, she must have known what I meant because I saw her eyes brighten. She understood and she didn't seem to dislike my proposition. But finally she denied and sat down on the cold soil, my jacket still on her shoulders.

- I'll be fine, Damon. Thanks.

- You're welcome. Your whole body will ache tomorrow, it's only cold, hard and dirty stone.

- I know...

She said that, staring into my blue eyes. She wanted to tell me something, but words didn't come out of her mouth.

- My shoulder could be more comfortable than the stone, if you want.

She nodded and I managed to let some space next to me. She was so cold, she would be sick tomorrow. I took into my arms and she put her head on my shoulder. One second later, she was breathing regularly. My angel. My sweet angel...

* * *

**I hope you liked it :) **

**Please review and tell what you think about it ! I think I'll write about next week's episode because it seems to be very Delena ^^ **

**And if some of you read _Shadow Souls_, I've written a One shot about the ending ;)**

**See you soon ;)**

**Nyah-Cullen**


	6. 2x05 Maybe Someday Forgiveness

A/N : Hello everybody! I'm back with this new one shot I hope you'll like! To the ones that are reading my story Hauting Memories, don't worry, I'll post the last chapter soon. My beta is actually reading it :) Let me know what you think and as I mention it before, I'm French, that's why I apologize for all the mistakes I must have done. About the title, it's an adaptation of Trading Yesterday's song, _Maybe someday love_. You can listen to it while reading, I did while writing! I also listened to _Heart_ by The Pretty Reckless, _Behind Blue Eyes _by Limp Biskit & _Secrets_ by One Republic.

Disclaimer : I don't own The Vampire Diaries even if I wouldn't mind if Damon was mine (a)

* * *

What if I just left? What if I just ran away from them all? I could go, they may notice my absence but even if I'm their strongest ally, I guess none of them would even _care_. I could shut my feelings off and do what vampires do. Drink, snap and kill. I wouldn't have to drink blood from the blood bank, if only I left.

But I can't. I can't because of _her_. She made it pretty clear that all she wants is Stefan. And that I've lost her forever. Thanks, Elena. I guess I deserve it, I killed her brother and even if he came back to life thanks to his ring, he could have died. I should have known she wouldn't ever forgive me. I should have known...

What if she gets hurt by Katherine or anybody else and I'm not here to protect her? What if I hadn't been there when that Vanessa tried to put an arrow straight through her heart? She would be dead... A part of me wishes she was never born, that I had met Isobel earlier and had turned her when she was a teenager. I would still be hurting because of Katherine, but I might not be dying inside because of _her_.

She hates me. She fucking hates whereas her brother, the one that _should_ be hating me more than anyone else... Well, he kind of likes me. If he can forgive me – or kind of -, why can't she? I do have all eternity to wait, I don't expect us to be friend straight away but some day... Maybe someday forgiveness...

How can you be so heartless? How could I be so heartless to snap your brother's neck? Anger, fear, pain, that's the worst mix you can find in me. But it's there and it'll long forever, I guess. You were the only I could talk to, the only one that understood what was below the mask. I apologized and I'll do it as much as you need to hear to forgive me...

How can I lie to myself that way? I won't follow her like a dog begging for forgiveness. It's not me, it's not in me I'll just stay hidden in the shadows, waiting for the time to protect her. Stefan may be her rock, but I'm her shield. I must admit that I hurt her, once if I remember well. But how many times did my brother hurt her? I stopped counting...

I wish you were her to tell that everything is going to be ok... But you're not. You're in his arms. You're happy and as long as you are, I guess it makes me a bit happy too.

I never wanted to feel that horrible. I never wanted to _feel_ anything. I could shut it off, bur how could I shut _you_ off when my brain screams your name night and day. I never wanted to see you in his arms. I never wanted to make you hurt nor make you hate me.

I always wanted you to be mine. I always wanted to be cruel. I always wanted not to care about anything except me and my blood lust. I always wanted to be loved by the woman I loved.

But guess what? You can replace all the "always" by "never" and vice versa and then, you'll get what I go through. Except for the cruel part. Elena will tell, I'm a cruel monster.

"What you did for Caroline's mom.. That's the Damon that was my friend."

Can I allow myself to hope? Is it a leap of faith I can take? I don't know but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to hope, but I do it, even against my will. One day you'll forgive me because inside of you, you knew I was right when I told you there was something going on between us. Something that was more than friendship, stronger than caring. You know it. You're denying but one day, you'll face it.

"You and I... We have something, an understanding."

You said it yourself... Elena, please. Don't ignore. Don't push me away. Let me in as before. Remember Atlanta, our five minutes when you were yourself again. When we were heading back to Mystic Falls, you admitted it. For five minutes, you forgot all your problems and you became the carefree Elena you had been before your parents' death. You thanked me. Why does it feel so far from now?

Remember Miss Mystic Falls pageant. Remember our dance, our _moment_. Your smile, the simple intimacy of this moment, the touch of your skin, your body next to mine... You enjoyed it more than you would ever say it out loud.

Remember the nights we spent at the boarding house, talking and laughing. I cheered you up because Stefan's addiction to human blood made you sad. I hate it when you're sad.

Remember Isobel. Remember how I trusted you with my _own_ life. Remember the feeling of my hand lingering on yours. Didn't it make you shiver? It did to me.

Don't pretend that you don't care. Lie to Stefan. Lie to yourself. Lie to all your friends. But don't lie to me. Don't even try. I can read in your eyes when you do, I can see in your soul what the truth is. Would you have asked Bonnie to spare me if you really had hated me? Would you have begged for my life when we were in Atlanta if you hadn't felt anything for me?

I'll tell you everything you need to hear from me – but I'll stay true, I swear. I'll give all my secrets away. You're worth it. You're worth so much more than my secrets and all me. But no matter what, I'll do my best to make you mine. 'Cause Elena and Damon were made this way. We were made this way.

* * *

So?

Please, leave me comment, I love them and I'll try to answer you ASAP!

Nyah-Cullen


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